A Short List of Animals That Tried to Kill Me
As a general rule, I have always preferred the company of animals over people. Humans are too loud, messy, and have a tendency to disappoint. I know that I sound like a grumpy old man when I say this, but that is because I am one. Inside this 35-year-old woman’s body lies the temperament of a 90-year-old man who just wants the world to leave him the hell alone with his animals and creaky joints. It probably doesn’t need to be said at this point but I am an introvert, and any time I go to a party the first thing I do is check to see if there are any animals in residence. If there are, I spend an inordinate amount of time with them while my social prospects with other humans crumble. I have never regretted my time spent with animals, and have worked or volunteered in animal-centric positions since I was twelve. And yet, despite my love of them, I have had some encounters over the years that were less than ideal. What follows is a short list of animals that have tried to kill me, or at least would have been grateful for the chance.
1: Pepper
The first time I met an animal who hated me, I was five. Pepper was my neighbor’s cat, a hulking beast of an animal sent from the pits of Hell. He lived with a family that had two girls similar in age to my sister and me, and he hated everyone except the mother. Now, I had always loved animals. Even as a wee kidlet, I was drawn to…
